Confronting shame

Author’s note: this text was written with her mother’s permission. It was originally published in French and was translated by Brainworks Razor (thank you!)

In the last few months, I noticed that when we double our efforts in activism or with our organization, we are even more in the public’s eye, thus susceptible to a variety of personal attacks. It’s as if we become an easy target and that it is completely justified to contact us whenever and however, including through our employer. Everything you could have been faulted for in the past, you are hunted down for and is brought up to you (years later). It’s even apparently allowed to call you awful things in your private messages on social media (even if you aren’t friends on the platform) while you are presenting at an event.

I am trying to deal with these situations, and I have to admit that it’s not easy battling the flight-flight-freeze response at the moment since, when in an emotional state, the human instinct wants you to protect yourself. I am learning to confront shame since, like everyone else, I have a past consisting of moments I am proud of and of others much less so. This past still makes up part of who I am today. I am therefore in the process of fighting against all my instincts so that I can keep growing despite the storm I have been going through for a while. Since I am far from being the first person to experience this, and will not be the last, I decided to write this blog entry to share my experiences and encourage other people to develop resilience when facing shame, whether you are in the public eye or not.

Shame for survivors of violence

Violence and abuse survivors know the feeling of shame very well, along with guilt. Predators are skilled manipulators who know how to target their victim from all angles: mental, emotional, physical, and financial. They turn shame against their victim from the start when it should instead be weighing on THEIR shoulders for the atrocious acts they commit. If you are, like me, a survivor of sexual, mental, and financial violence, shame has been by your side and becomes one of your triggers for future incidents or unpleasant situations. If you have a parent that also has been a victim of violence (no matter the type), you also have inherited their shame, even if they didn’t mean for it. Is it then surprising that it is a feeling that makes us panic and want to hide under a rock (or under the covers) we can stay under as soon as we are under attack?

My mother lived through domestic violence (mental cruelty, sexual, physical, and financial abuse) for more than 15 years at the hands of my biological father. I was aware of it, even if I don’t remember it, but I only recently learned about how bad it was. Multiple sexual assaults as a child made my mother normalize violence for a long time and from a young age. I never understood the shame that seemed to accompany her constantly when I was a child, but a few memories come to mind. For example, when she was always worried about what my friends would think about our house when they visited us. She always compared our house to theirs, and I never understood why. After being asked about it repeatedly, I ended up not wanting to invite friends over and began being ashamed of our house myself (even though I wasn’t ashamed of it at first). My biological father, who was a well-known alcoholic and a bootlegger, was also a source of shame for me. Once again, as a child, I did not recognize that the profound uneasiness I felt when I went to his house and saw men drinking, beer bottles laying everywhere, was actually shame.

The gaze and questioning of others made itself known from a young age and contributed to my feeling of being different and marginalized, amplifying my shame. Some of my friends’ mothers asked me about my mother’s divorce (and second marriage) every time I set foot in their home. Some would ask me, “You are X’s daughter, right?” and I would answer, “yes, that’s my father”. And the silent reaction or the noises that would follow were all very telling. As a child, I did not understand everything, but I greatly felt the judgment and energy coming off of these people. My way of dealing with it all was (thankfully) to turn myself to sports, extracurricular activities, and community engagement. I chose to become an overachiever to compensate for what I perceived as major flaws.

Developing resilience towards shame

Are you familiar with the sensation brought forth by shame? We feel it physically, don’t we? Some feel it in their throat and even on their face, as if those body parts were inflamed, while others will feel it in their stomach or describe it as their blood freezing over in their veins. As for me, I mostly feel it in my chest and stomach, and I have this feeling of my blood freezing in my veins and as if time stops. Sometimes, people talk to me and the sensation is so intense I barely hear them anymore. I want to take the time to describe those physical reactions because I think we don’t give them enough importance or that we don’t learn to recognize shame and to confront it at a young age. More often than not, we learn to repress and bury those sensations and to not talk about the event that brought forth the shame. SILENCE contributes GREATLY to amplify that shame and gives it a home inside us like a parasite. I learned that the best antidote to shame is sharing (talking about the situation or event) and compassion. It’s not easy to do, but I can assure you that I realized it was true after putting this antidote into practice.

Lately, my coach taught me to do a very interesting exercise with a part of my past towards which I lived with a lot of emotions (and shame). We gave it a neutral name and placed it at the center of a tic-tac-toe type of checkerboard. Around this word, she invited me to think about a variety of possible reactions to the event, from “I forgive myself”, to “I protect myself”, to “I don’t care”, and so on. Afterward, I was invited to act out this reaction, becoming a bit of an actress by recreating it. I can tell you that the “I don’t care” reaction was very difficult since it was far from my true feelings. We approached the “I forgive myself” reaction last. This is where the most painful part hides. As human beings, there is no harsher vigilante and judge than ourselves. Since it was too difficult to do as I heard all those voices telling me, “I should have, and I could have” like a storm in my head, my coach invited today’s Nadine to look at the Nadine from the past (at this time) and to offer her compassion. This, I was able to visualize, see myself take a walk with past Nadine by my side, her head on my shoulders while crying in silence, my arm wrapped around her shoulders. We walked like this for a long while. I have a feeling we will need to take a few more walks like this, because this Nadine needs companionship, and to feel loved and accepted. I cannot change the past, but I can change my perception of it and let go of the emotional burden attached to it.

In short, at the moment, I am working on developing resilience towards shame. In doing so, I want to take a moment to share that earlier this week, I took a courageous step into becoming the ambassador, alongside my husband, of the Beausejour Family Crisis Resource Centre’s Run for Women 2021, and to uncover my personal experience at the launch. I cannot describe the thoughts that haunted me while sitting in the room during the ceremony and how much I almost lost my poise when I stood at the podium. The day after, I felt “exposed” and “vulnerable”, especially when seeing the articles describing it all. A part of me is proud to have taken that step. I took it for all the victims of abuse in all its forms. I would be lying to myself if I did not admit that a small part of regret still lives within me. Just as we can take a step forward, we can also take a step backward in order to step forward again. However, I am at a point in my life where silence repulses me, and I CANNOT stay in the status quo anymore. Thankfully, it’s this inability to accept silence that allows me to keep moving forward, sharing and talking despite feeling very uncomfortable and experiencing a lot of emotions.