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Just stop it!!!

  • Writer: Nadine Duguay-Lemay
    Nadine Duguay-Lemay
  • Oct 12, 2019
  • 6 min read

Updated: Oct 18, 2023

When will we, as society, put a stop to the culture of silence in New Brunswick when it comes to sexual perpetrators? Honestly, you would think that with the #Metoo and #Timesup movements, we would be somewhere else, but apparently not. I have written many posts by now about my own lived experiences dealing with bastards and predators who believe it is normal to behave themselves in disrespectful manners, whether it is in professional and personal settings and yet, it keeps happening around me. JUST STOP IT is what I want to scream to everyone who is contributing to letting this happen. Someone told me that in this unjust world, there are sometimes other ways and forms of getting justice. Writing this blog today, by relaying the voices of the victims heard too many times, is my way of getting justice. Here are my messages to the people playing a part in enabling this culture.


To the perpetrators:

Let's start with you, the cause of the pain that is inflicted to too many individuals: If you ever hurt someone close to me by your disgusting and disrespectful behaviour, you are warned that I will not be tolerating it. PERIOD. You will be made aware soon enough or eventually that I know what you have done. You have gotten away with this behaviour for way too long, enabled most likely by everyone around you who have not done you a service by calling it out and by normalizing what you do. I know that you feel emboldened by getting away with praying on your employees, colleagues, friends or whomever happens to be your target. I know you do not feel that you are doing anything wrong. You justify your ugly behaviour by hiding behind your community engagement, your prominent work and your nice person act and all smiles. You are a WOLF IN DISGUISE fooling everyone around you that you are a nice person who would never do harmful things to another human being. But if people paid attention and started to listen to the whispers, the rumours and sometimes the bright neon-flashing warnings relayed by your entourage, you would be DONE working in the capacity that you exercise now. You will of course defend yourself by blaming the victim. "He-she was coming on to me". How can anyone believe this nowadays is beyond me, but I know you have played that card too many times to justify your behaviour when people, such as your spouse, your employer or a friend starts asking questions. No, they were not coming on to you. No, being under the influence of substances doesn't justify your behaviour; if anything, it means STOP drinking or taking drugs. No, being under stress doesn't justify your behaviour. In fact, NOTHING justifies your behaviour. It wasn't cool 20 years ago and it is not cool today. JUST STOP IT!


To the spouses of the perpetrators:

I have empathy for you because most often, you are just thinking you want to protect your life as you know it: your children (if you have some), your perceived security, but most of all, I believe you want to protect your perceived status. I know you have noticed at times weird or shall we say, suspicious behaviour in your spouse. I know you either have silenced it or have found a way to protect it. Might I ask you: Have you paused to consider that the rumours, if they do come to your ears, are true? If you have actually witnessed inappropriate behaviour from your spouse, have you considered, just for a moment, how it made the victim feel? Do you EVER think about the victim? I suspect that you are probably a victim yourself, having been exposed to that same inappropriate behaviour. That makes it quite hard to process, as we know that victims tend to blame themselves from the moment the assault or harassment takes place. I know it is hard and much easier to normalize the behaviour. I invite you to simply consider the repercussions of your partner's behaviour. These are far more reaching than hurting you and your family. Remember that you are not alone if you wish to speak up about this and that there are excellent services available to you, which are listed below. The angry part in me, who wants to stop seeing this behaviour happening, wants to say to you: stop it as well (as in: stop being an enabler), but the empathetic person in me will simply invite you to pause and reflect for a moment on the emotions and thoughts you are shoving deep down yourself and how you are most likely suffering in silence. By having the courage to start by confronting within yourself what you know or suspect from your partner at an unconscious level can and will make a difference in the victims (I use plural purposely) and their families' lives.


To the employers

Please STOP hiding these perpetrators and do what is right for the victim. I have seen too many instances whereby we shove under the rug that X incident has happened. It is too often handled terribly (I know because I got to hear the victims' lived experience) and we just seem to be satisfied with the thinking "we have let the person go, which is punishment enough- what more do you want us to do?". I URGE you to look at your organizational culture and to bring in subject-matter experts who can help you write and implement clear sexual harassment policies, as well as clear reporting mechanisms. That is being preventive and equipping yourself to do what is right if and when a claim comes forward, as evidenced in the section 'Get ahead of the curve" in the article Not Just South of the Border: Canadian Employers Should Expect More Gender-Based Disputes by Canadian Labour and Employment Law.


It might be wishful thinking on my part to hope that one day, we will see organizations that not only let go the predators in their midst when the claims have been founded , but that they will let the world know why they are removed from their organizations. Just letting them go for another employer to hire them shortly after not only keeps a predator in our midsts, but enables the culture of silence to be perpetuated. I have stumbled across the 2016 study "Harassment in Canadian workplaces" (conducted by Insights on Canadian Society in partnership with Statistics Canada's Centre for Gender, Diversity and Inclusion Statistics which I have found highly enlightening. Namely, "19% of women and 13% of men reported that they had experienced harassment in their workplace in the past year. ....However, the percentage of men and women reporting sexual harassment in their workplaces dropped to 4% (women) and 1% (men). In a nutshell, if a victim comes forward, you can bet that this was a very hard decision to make, as these statistics demonstrate.

To the public, in general

I have had the opportunity to speak about this topic to a number of people over the last few years, which has given me great insights. The truth of the matter is this: we know the behaviour exists, it makes us angry, but we would all rather it went away on its own. Please STOP IT. Not doing anything other than being angry only achieves the following result: NOTHING. I have been quite surprised to hear from many victims that women in their personal and/or professional lives have been the less supportive when they hear that a sexual assault or harassment has taken place. Normalizing the behaviour seems to be the most common reaction: "yeah, this individual does that...but...", there is always a BUT! And please notice that there is acknowledgement that this individual is a known perpetrator! I suspect that these women have this reaction because it has happened to them and that was the reaction they have unfortunately received at the time. I also suspect that it is easier to keep their perceived social circles if they keep their heads down and not say much, except joining in on normalizing the behaviour. Many, including myself, have been advised over the years by friends or colleagues to not say anything, to just forgive, or to consider moving to start anew. Someone once implied to my face that I could be considered by some influential people in this province as a "trouble-maker" for doing what I can to break this culture of silence. Well too bad. I am asking you, the reader, to join me in saying: STOP IT!!!


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