The fear of judgement: a very real and exhausting reality!

I have been thinking a lot lately about how human beings seem to fear judgement, either from our own judging voice or from others. I have observed and experienced that we all fear being judged, whether it is in our personal, professional or even community lives, just as we are also very quick to cast judgement onto ourselves and others. This fear can be deeply buried for some, while for others, it boils over the surface. The subsequent behaviour is the same, either deep-rooted or ever-present in daily interactions. My observations have led me to want to write about the topic to start a conversation with others about their lived experiences with judgement and hopefully, to bring to light an unpopular topic, but that can cause so much damage.

Let's start with the trigger for writing this blog post:

A few weeks ago, I sat on the bleachers with two other mothers, as we all watched our children play at their soccer tryouts. We did not know one another well, but we bonded as we endured the miserable weather and chatted over this and that. (If you think sitting in a cold arena will bring people close together, so does sitting in the cold and rain and practically losing your shoes in the mud!). As the topic of our conversations got more and more personal, we realized after an hour-long conversation that, at the root of our challenges was the fear of being judged due to our lived experiences with others, as well as the fact that we could be so hard on ourselves. Yes ladies and gentlemen, we spent a good portion of our time together sharing lived experiences over judgement! How we felt it, how it was present and how it was draining us. For some, fearing judgement led to over-performing or constantly being at the service of everyone in their lives, which then resulted in mental and physical exhaustion. Just writing this is exhausting, yet it is very real!

Oddly enough, my husband shared later on with me the following video titled "A Message from Women Everywhere" (caution: some language might offend). I found the content resonated deeply with the conversation I just had on the soccer field and my own observations. While this video was using specific examples related to issues women face, imagine how people could illustrate in a very similar video the judgement they confront regularly based on their identity factors.

I started wondering that night if the deeper root of the issue is not the fact that we hear and fear our inner judgement voice to begin with, which makes it that much challenging when facing others. If a person is the type to strongly judge themselves for anything and everything, that may be the side that is showcased to the world. In other words, all we might hear from that person is judgement onto others, and yet, the narrative going into their heads or underneath the words is in judgement towards themselves. There is also the matter of interpretation; some people might ask questions that we find too inquisitive or insensitive, while in their minds, they think it is appropriate to ask those personal questions. From the outside, some people might see behaviours on a punctual basis and place a person on a pedestal, and yet, it is very possible that this very person has reprehensible behaviour behind closed doors. We just never have the full picture of a person or a situation unless we have all sides and perspectives and have walked in those people's shoes. I would also add that we should not take for granted how people feel about a situation or someone. For instance, you might think it is not a big deal to ask someone to do something that you feel is only going to take 5 to 10 minutes of their time and yet, if the receiver of your request is already feeling overwhelmed by a myriad of personal and professional challenges, that "little" request might be the last straw that broke the camel's back. We just never FULLY know what are people's barriers, lived experiences, traumas, etc.

We are extremely vulnerable and prone to judgement as a society or should I say, as human beings currently living in this society. Some say that we live in a performance culture in the Western Hemisphere, while others chose to immigrate to New Brunswick because they feel (and experience once here) that they can have a better balance between their personal and professional lives. Are both observations right? Pursuing my non-scientific inquisition on the topic, I have asked my colleagues (shortly after the conversation with the other mothers) if they feared judgement. Their responses ranged on the spectrum of agreement. I cannot blame them, as I also fear judgement from time to times! Just by writing this blog, I am stepping into the arena (asserting my inner Brené Brown) and showcasing my vulnerability. And you know, I have indeed been relayed comments regarding my blog posts that could be construed as judgement, namely the following: "did I not fear for my job by writing such posts, exposing such intimate details of my life?". To take this comment into context, I am aware that in certain cultures, being vulnerable is not valued, nor is transparency. I can thus appreciate where this person was coming from, if the point of reference was to fear repercussions just by stating personal views or sharing experiences.

Going back to our inner voice, I can share that I have made many realizations over the past year (thanks to my coaching sessions) around my inner fears and the roles they play in my life. The perspective that has been relayed to me in these coaching sessions is that rather than fearing my own fears and seeing them as something ugly or to be dismissed, I can confront them and understand what roles they play in my life. If we connect this perspective to judgement, I can tell you that I am my own judge and toughest critique, which can be a blessing and a curse. However, if I am critiquing myself for the things I feel I have done wrong, and I am busy giving myself a mental whipping, I am not really listening to the other side. Thus, to be actively listening to someone else's perspective, I need to have done self-care and to sometimes break away from the conversation and come back to it at a later time to be fully in the moment. I have also learned to be more gentle with myself and counter my "judging" voice with my compassionate one, who will also influence me to go into action mode as soon as possible. Do I regret what I have just said? Go and apologize to the person. Do I regret the behaviour I displayed just now? Understand where it comes from and again, apologize and state what you have learned. Beyond helping me to forgive myself and understand where my words/actions/behaviour came from, I embrace the fact that it propels me into action mode. I share this personal insight, because it has helped me counter my own judgement and maybe it will help you as well.

I leave you with these thoughts:

What if we all tried to better understand where people come from (not just referring to their origin or ethnicity) and enable time and space to share lived experiences? What if more people tried to unpack their own judgement and understand where it comes from? (sometimes the judgement voice we hear in our heads doesn't even belong to us; it has been adopted from our parents or from a voice of authority). And what if we were simply more gentle with ourselves? There is a compassionate voice within all of us: it is about time we amplify it!