Embracing feelings of failure

A few weeks back, I tried to put into words how I was working through feeling like a complete failure. While I experienced rather vividly the thoughts and feelings that inhabited me at the time, I was unable to write about them because I lacked clarity and courage. I had a blank page staring back at me and after outlining a few meaningless sentences, I decided to let it be, without even saving the draft. If you have faced or are facing an outcome that you had not originally envisioned, or are going through feelings of failure, keep on reading as this blog post is for you.

What led to feeling this way

As always, let's start with providing some context around what triggered the feelings of failure. As I have written on this blog, I have been going through significant changes in the past few months, from deciding to step away from the organization I had poured my heart and soul into for well over 5,5 years and making the decision to pursue an MBA focused on innovation and taking on a contract as a casual college instructor. My plan was simple: I wanted to enable time and space (I wrote a whole blog post about that) to recharge mentally, physically, and emotionnally after going through a few years of adversity. I was going to work part-time, study part-time, dedicate more time to self-care and to explore passions (such as writing). What I had greatly underestimated though was the mental and emotional toll that an organizational dissolution inflicted, while simultanously navigating a new system as an Instructor and having to go through the renewal of my professional designation as a Certified International Trade Practicionner. Doing it all simultaneously for a few weeks was hard to manage and by the time the MBA program started in early October, I was not in the ideal frame of mind for learning anything additional, as my brain space was already quite occupied. The bottom line is that these circumstances, along with other factors that I will keep to myself, led to me failing my certification exam. I will conclude this brief background by adding that through all of this, I was also appreciating an additional steep learning curve in my capacity as a volunteer Honorary Lieutenant Colonel of an infantry reservist Regiment. Not knowing much about our Canadian Armed Forces and related protocols, I had much to learn.

In short, there was a lot of "newness" to navigate, which definitely pushed me outside of my comfort zone, and at the heart of it all was working through the stages of grief. I think the feelings of failure had been slowly percolating to the surface, but I did not get a full appreciation of how profound these feelings were until after I failed that exam. The interesting part is that I knew ahead of writing my exam that failing was a real possibility and thus prepared myself mentally for the blowback through rationalization. "Take this as the dry-run" a good friend told me, and "you will ace it next time with a better appreciation for what it entails". It was sage advice and that is how I wired my brain to tackle the task ahead. What I had underestimated though was the small glimmer of hope that permeated through this rationalization and that persistently pushed to the surface the idea that I could pass (perhaps? maybe? crossing fingers !). While I waited for the result of the exam, which consists in a Pass or Fail mention, that sliver of hope still manifested by dancing and chanting loudly in my head. I was not surprised to see the failed mark, but I did not appreciate until a few days later how devastated I was over this result. This devastation led to a downward spiral of feeling like an overall failure and led to second-guessing my recent decisions and my future. Let's just say that the month of November was a hard month to get through.

Embrace the feelings to understand your thoughts and beliefs

I hope you have noticed that I chose the word embracing rather than overcoming failure as the title of this article. I would argue that to overcome failure and bounce back, one needs to welcome the feelings that are generated by the thoughts that go through our mind. In other words, it is one thing to acknowledge and go through the various feelings that might be involved, whether it is sadness, anger, guilt, or deception, but it is important to understand the thoughts that are fuelling those feelings. For me, it was the thought that I was (or the fear of being) a disappointment (to myself and to others), that was really feeding the feelings of failure. This thinking was lurking beneath the surface every time I faced a situation or someone that I was perceiving as having disappointed. Because I am still in the process of learning how to establish healthy boundaries, saying no does not come easy. Even when I honour myself and what is best for me, that initial response leads to me imagining or perceiving that I have let down someone, especially if I later hear or read in their response "I am/We are disappointed to hear..." or something along those lines. It is thus by connecting with this thought and embracing it, even getting curious about it, that I started to overcome those feelings. What I have realized is that as a child, I had learned or associated that I had to earn people's love through performing well. When I did not perform to the other person's expectation, the resulting feeling for me would be one of profound disappointment and self-loathing, not to mention that I was also harboring a deep-rooted fear that I would not be loved anymore. You may find this odd, but this realization came as I was watching the second season of "Fugueuse" (A Quebec produced drama now available on Netflix). There is a scene at the end of the season when the father apologizes to his daugher for how he had given her the perception through his actions that love was to be earned and not freely given because she was already worthy of being loved. That moment firmly cristallized for me how I had also embraced that belief all my life and how it still manifests today. Even when I go over and above the call of duty, I can still be triggered with feelings of guilt and disappointment if I feel that the person on the other end is not happy or disappointed. Now that I am aware of how this belief holds power over me, I can do something about it.

As you can see, it was not as much the context provided earlier in this article that led me to feeling like a failure, but rather the belief that I was unworthy of love unless I performed or excelled that generated the feeling. I can think back to the precise moments where I had interactions with individuals that led to me thinking that I was disappointing them and that I was internalizing. I thus encourage you to find ways to connect with the thoughts that are going through your mind as they are nourrishing what you are feeling. You might be very surprised (as I was) to uncover what beliefs or thoughts are holding power over you and that comes to the surface when you are facing adversity. These realizations may occur by happenstance, such as it did for me when watching this scene in this drama show, or they can emerge by talking with a trusted source, through mindfulness (to me that comes by walking in nature) and pursuing activities that will "fill your cup", a.k.a bring you happiness. I do believe that by having talked about those feelings with loved ones and trusted sources, it helped me to gain that clarity when I watched that show. In other words, I was preparing the groundwork for that realization to emerge on its own at a time when I could welcome it.

I will conclude this post by summarizing my process and leaving you with some tips that have helped me, with the hope that some might be useful to you:

Welcome and embrace how you are feeling

It is basic human instinct to seek to protect ourselves from experiencing any unpleasant feelings. It is thus common to wish to numb or avoid what we are feeling. However, it is when we acknowledge and welcome those feelings that we can overcome them that much quicker. Whatever outlet you choose, which can range from experiencing your emotions by crying or screaming, exerting them through physical activity or artistic forms, or by practising mindfulness or connecting with nature or your spiritual side, I encourage you to welcome what you are feeling. We are meant to express our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember in this process that you are more than what you are feeling.

Connect with the thoughts that are feeding those feelings

I now encourage you to go a step further by paying attention to the thoughts that are lurking beneath the surface as you are acknowledging your feelings. I purposely say "lurking" as these thoughts, especially if they are deep-rooted, might come from beliefs we have embedded into our psyche from a young age. It will thus not be evident to pintpoint them at first. I have found that visualization, mindfulness and talking about what we are feeling and thinking with a trusted source can help uncover those thoughts.

Be kind to yourself through this process

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of enabling grace, compassion and forgiveness for yourself throughout the process. I know it can be hard to do and my best tip is to look at your situation and the feelings you are experiencing as if it was your best friend or a loved one experiencing them and coming to you for a listening ear and some advice. How would you welcome them? What would you say? Would you extend grace, love, compassion, and forgiveness? I would hope that you can say to yourself the same as you would to your best friend. If this is hard for you to do, then you know what your starting point is and can talk about this challenge with a trusted source. Practicing self-care will help you as well as it can be draining. Rest, recharge, and replenish by engaging in activities that "fill your cup".

Find a way to document what you have uncovered

This latest tip can take the form of sharing with someone, putting into writing or recording in some fashion what you have uncovered as it will anchor the learning. I personally believe that whenever we realize and put into concrete action our lessons learned, it leaves an imprint on our soul and makes us better human beings.